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February 14 ChangesWow, It's been about 10 months since I typed in here. I guess the MySpace craze kinda took away everyones attention from MSN Spaces there for a while. I have had quite an eventful past year. Recently I acquired my CDL (Commercial Driver's License) after 7 weeks of schooling and have since been hired on by one of the largest companies in North America to start training again for 5 weeks. My life is about to change drastically for the next year or so. It's a little frightening but it's something I feel I have to do. I have moments of great anxiety that are almost unbarable at times, I begin to pace back and forth and I can't seem to concentrate on conversations that may be going on right before my eyes and ears. My mind is just full of mock visions of the future as my mind makes it all up for me to imagine.
To be continued...
P.s. Happy Valentines Day October 17 Alterior motive?>>>>>[What are the chances that smoking will kill you? About half of all those who continue to smoke will die because of the habit. In the U.S., tobacco causes nearly 1 in 5 deaths, killing about 435,000 Americans each year. Smoking is the single most preventable cause of death in our society. Based on current smoking patterns, smoking will kill about 500 million people alive in the world today. Tobacco-caused deaths worldwide are expected to increase from about 5 million per year today to about 10 million per year by the 2030s. Most of these deaths will occur in developing countries. How does tobacco use affect the economy? The tobacco industry is one of the most profitable businesses in the country, making billions of dollars yearly. But the costs of smoking are far higher than the income from cigarette sales.
Above: is an excerpt from The American Cancer Society
My personal confusion as usual here below: Q. Why are tobacco industries allowed to legally sell such a deadly product to the public and yet drugs such as 'heroin' (Just as addictive and harmful as nicotine) pot, cocaine, etc... are illegal?
A. ______________________________________________ <--- place answer here
The Tobacco industry reminds me of the Oil industry in a way that they have the ability to make one addicted or dependant on their product. They both are products that some can't seem to live without, more so OIL, but I think you can see the comparison here. Yes Tobacco kills people that use it and sometimes people that are not even using it but so also does the products of Oil indirectly.
One Million Die in Car Accidents Every Year In 2002, road traffic injuries accounted for 2.6 percent of the worldwide burden from disease and made up approximately 23 percent of all deaths from injury, compared to other deaths such as suicide at 16.9 percent, war at 3.4 percent and other acts of violence at 10.8 percent. Experts estimated the number of people injured in traffic accidents each year could be as high as 50 million and has captured less attention from the media than less common and unusual types of deaths. Research has shown the rapid growth of motorized vehicles in the developing areas of the world has increased the number of traffic-related deaths. An example of this could be seen in 1998, when India lost 217,000 people due to road accidents. Britain on the other hand, is considered to have the safest roads in the world.
-In the United States, traffic accidents remain the leading cause of death for Americans under the age of 35.
-While cell phones have recently sprung up as a common cause of car accidents, a study, the largest to date on crashes involving distracted drivers, found that rubbernecking causes far more accidents than cell phone use. -The largest number of accidents was caused by drivers looking at other accidents, traffic or roadside incidents. Comparatively, cell phone use ranked as the sixth highest cause. The study included data on more than 2,700 accidents involving distracted drivers between June and November 2002.
-Distractions from inside the vehicle accounted for 62 percent of the distractions reported while distractions from outside the vehicle accounted for 35 percent, and three percent of the distractions were undetermined. -Of the crashes that occurred in rural areas, nearly two-thirds of the crashes reported, common causes included driver fatigue, insects entering or striking the vehicle, or animals and unrestrained pet distractions.
Ok, my point is (now that I have almost forgotten it ) that there are people in positions of high authority with more money than the majority of us will ever see in many lifetimes controlling the outcomes of so many peoples' lives. Making money off them as they slowly (Tobacco) or instantly (Oil Companies) kill themselves using their product (s). No guilt, shame! We are creatures of habit! We need routine! normality! comfort! all these emotions and character traits are being taken advantage of by the BIG corporations around the world.
and to think I haven't even mentioned the Booze industry yet....
September 02 New Orleans Saints and Sinners
New Orleans : Pronounced - NO-LEANS
Above: Shows damage to the roof of the Super-Dome
Above: The Sun shines through a hole in the roof after the storms left it's mark
Unbelievable
Mind blowing
Above: A saint! Innocence
Above Sinners: These guys STOLE a postal truck to go looting. It's one thing to do it for survival but it's just plain criminal what these guys are doing.
Refugee
in her own country
Think we may have a few problems right here in our own backyard that need addressing. These less furtunate people had no-where to go when they were told to evacuate. Looks like we have a bit of a third world country in every city. It's really sad. The city has been ripped of it clothes and sits naked for us all to see. I'm kinda thinking most cities would look like this in the aftermath. I think there still may be a lil racism goin on in the southern states wouldn't you agree? Is it a coincidance that most left behind are of the minority? ...and if you saw some caucasions, did you notice they were the elderly? Did you notice how long it took for help to arrive? I'm quite certain the government knew how devastating this storm was going to be. I would think the reaction time to get to these people could have been a lot quicker. I believe there was a few days warning in advance of the storm to begin the relief efforts but yet did they wait till the storm was over to plan?
Now, i'm sure the diseases will start to spread pretty fast in the next few days. If it hasn't already. It will be somewhat like the Tsunami we saw last christmas over in south-east Asia. Images look very similar.
This is affecting all of us through HIGH gas prices now. I have really BAD visions of what is in store for us in the future if things continue to go the way they have been going the last few years. Already people up here in Canada are pissed right off and tensions are mounting as we go to the pumps to fill up. I've heard many stories already that people up here are filling up at the self serve pumps and taking off without paying and gas is being syphened from other's vehicles!...How are we going to survive like this?
The gas companies need to raise the prices to meet the demand and fix the Gulf riggs... ok understandable but... How much and for how long are they going to 'MiLK' this ? Seems like every time there has been a crisis the gas has gone up but why after a certain period of time has it not come back down ? Ok... they made money to cover costs ... now ... put the price back to where it was. Now it seems logical to me.... But it seems to stay at the same level till the next crisis happens or a long weekend or war or what ever else could possible go over as an excuse to get even richer. They know we need it to survive in today's world, seems they could be compared to a 'drug dealer' and we can be compared to the 'addict'.
I have a funny feeling that there is some 'MASTER' plan to eliminate the middle class completely so that there are only 2 classes of people.
Filthy rich and Destitude
Incredible Katrina Photos - click here
August 21 InspirationalPaula posted this in her space a little while back. Just click on the link to read something ever so inspirational.
very comforting...
Thanks Paula August 16 I wish I knewIt seems that my life so far has been emotionally up and down like a yoyo. I believe it is normal but, HOLY CRAP! It's one thing after another. When the storm hits it really does HIT and HIT hard it does! The last 6 months have been so difficult emotionally. I've had to live with this inner pain which I can't really talk about to anyone. My last 4 year relationship ended 6 months ago on a bit of a bitter but confusing note. I don't know if I'm explaining this properly or not. I don't cry very often but today I did and for a good half hour. I felt so empty inside and all the emotions were just draining my entire being of any strength I usually possess.
I'm actually starting to question myself again like I had done in my earlier days. What's my purpose? Why don't things last? Why can I not find my happiness? etc.
I've learned over the years to be happy with 'contentment' and I have been doing ok with it up till now. Is this maybe a crossroads?
I don't even know why I'm writing this blog.... seems I need to type things out to see 'it'.
I've LOST alot in my life time material and non-material. I'm feeling very alone at the moment even if there are people around.
My last relationship was like that, there were people around and my lover was there but yet I felt so alone. It was like I was there for her children so that she could go and work on her carreer. I worked at nights so that we did'nt need a babysitter (which can get costly). I really believe it didn't work for us because we had NO time for us as a couple. That, I believe is so important, and yes the kids come first but you have to maintain your relationship with your lover and that to me can NOT be accomplished if there are kids around ALL the time. There has to be balance otherwise the relationship starts to deteriorate. Lovers can grow apart so easily with access to the internet so handy. It's so easy to fall for somebody that actually shows some interest in you and types warm feelings to you with understanding and compassion. You don't have to wait for your spouse to come home and give you the comfort any more. It's right at our fingertips on the computer.
I don't see the need to keep members of the opposite sex on ones Instant messenger that are known to have feelings for you after becoming romantically involved with someone in the physical world. It's even worse if the couple are secretive about who they choose to have on their contact list. To add to this insanity.... it is really suspicious if when you enter the room where your spouse is sitting in on a chat converstion and you see the private whisper or messenger box being closed off as you walk in the room on more than a few occasions.
I just want to say this to those of you that are insecure in the relationship (keeping in mind that, something had to have happened to make you insecure in the first place though in that particular relationship) and I also say it to the ones that are secure but yet like the excitement of the sexual comments and compliments from a person of the opposite sex on their contact list or even in a chat room. Now, ofcourse if the couple had an understanding from the beginning that they were say 'swingers' then carry-on, because if you both are in agreement with this then I can see this type of behaviour working in the relationship. As for myself, I could not do the swinger thing. To me it would ruin the relationship I imagined we had.
Is there anyone else out there going through this right now or have been through this before? because I was there and I know what took place and it killed the relationship. Once any form of infidelity is exposed or even the signs of potentional infidelity are lurking about it is like poison to the relationship. It's something that will never be forgotten, as hard as a person tries to forget, the memories are there forever. It's like a disease infecting the couples trust in eachother. Lack of communication, dishonesty and not being open with your partner in ALL ways is a recipee for failure in the relationship. Something counselling could probably never fix......
What I wish for the most for now is that my X-partner and I have learned an important lesson from those 4 years. I wish the best for her and hope that she will communicate with her new partner with complete honesty.
Thinking out loud here people... trying to put together what really happened in my last long-term relationship that made it come to an end....
Two Hearts that were needlessly broken... lets hope 'good' comes out of that experience for both.
July 31 Serenity PrayerThis simple little prayer has helped me in the past 3 years so much. It takes on new meaning each and everyday of my life. I want to share it before you read the blog that follows this one.
God grant me the serenity Living one day at a time;
Binge Drinking FactsDid you know that:
This is so important for young people like yourselves to know. Please think about it June 23 Compassion (Part -1)I really HATE hurting people because I know what it feels like to be hurt myself. When I was growing up I remember times when people would say things about me and I would automatically think they were attacking me. Even when a compliment was given to me I would question whether it was sarcastic or not (including women). I went through years of this mental anguish. I really used to take myself too seriously thinking I had to be the 'Perfect' person (whatever that is) and that, ONE day the 'Magic' moment would arrive that suddenly I had 'made' it and that life would be wonderful everafter. Was I ever so wrong to believe that, and it's sad because I missed out on alot of 'life' because of that exact way of thinking. When someone would say "Great job!" to me I would say to myself "NO, it's not" and I would push myself even harder to do an even greater job than I was already doing. Was I seeking 'approval'? I think maybe I was but I would starve myself of any sort of 'rewarding' feedback from others. I used to think I didn't deserve anything 'good' in life for instance; Someone would offer me a drink or snack or treat or whatever and I would purposely say "NO thanks, I'm fine" because I felt I didn't deserve it. Weird huh? I can't figure it out myself still to this day. I remember the 'applause' i would get from an audience after I played a song and I would say to myself 'Why are they applauding?....that sucked!" ...I don't think I have ever taken a 'Bow' at a show. I would just 'wave' back with a slight 'nod' of my head showing 'thanks' at the crowd and smile briefly :) I've gotten better than I used to be at 'liking' myself and I have learned to accept a compliment. I say 'Thankyou' now because before I used to practically say to them 'Are you nuts!?" lol.... I have recognized this from time to time in people I have met throughout my life and I feel so much compassion for them. I just want to reach out to them because I know the torture they are putting themselves through. Punishing ourselves...some go as far as self inflicting pain (actually 'cutting' themselves drawing blood) I didn't go as far as that though but, I would punish myself by denying myself the right to 'be loved' by myself or anyone else for that matter. I look back and see the way I had 'TRIED' to break out of that mindset. I came to a point in my life where I just couldn't take it anymore and became extremely 'outgoing' a 'party animal' you might say. I was everywhere and I surrounded myself with tons of people but, the only problem with that, was the fact the places I was finding these people at were at the bars, clubs etc. before the internet was popular. These places ALL have something in common ... it's 'Alcohol' and 'Alcoholics'. What an adventure that period of my life was. And believe me it was NOT the answer to my problems, it was just going to and did prove to enhance them. The problem was always inside me. I would even change the groups of friends I associated myself with to try and escape my past. That was NOT the answer either. My personal hangups just came right along with me everywhere I went. I'm a NON-Drinker now thankfully. ...to be continued June 21 Re-calling Dreams/ Discovering the DevineRemembering my 'first' nightmare I ever had as a child, I was 5 or 6 years old (1970ish). If I had any before that, I can't recall them in my memories. I remember it vividly and looking back at it now doesn't seem bad at all. I remember in the dream everything was lime green in colour and I was in a spaceship and we crashed. Thats all it was. I woke up trying to scream for help but nothing was coming out of my mouth. It was terrifying back then to me. There was also the time I was hospitalized for German measels with a temperature of about 104 degrees F (age 6) and was in an oxygen tent around that same period of time. It was the middle of the night and I looked over at the window and saw 'Ernie's' (the puppet from 'Sesame Street') face looking at me from outside. I screamed for the nurse and when she came to my room I told her what I saw and she said 'There's nobody out there and we are on the 4th floor so nobody can look in at you' and sure enough I looked again and he was gone I had many nightmarish dreams as a child where my mattress was lifted up at my feet and the underside was being wacked several times. Those were freaky and another one of those dreams where I was paralized and couldn't scream. When I was about 7 years old I experienced my first grave site visiting. My parents took me to see my grandfather's tombstone (whom I had never met) and to lay flowers down. I remember seeing one of those private Mausoleum type buildings. Ofcourse being a curious and extremely exploratory 7 year old, I had to go and check this out. I really had no concept of death back then and climbing on tombstones and walking across where I learned later the bodies were buried underneath the ground didn't seem to bother me in the least. I mean I only thought death happened to old people and still didn't realize that infact I am actually a creature on earth like any other person. Never dawned on me that it was going to happen to any of my family members or friends or even to myself one day. Anyways... Back at our home at the top of the second floor staircase was a picture of my grandfather when he was young, say in his 20's. There was a moment I remember realizing that this person in the picture was really dead. It freaked me out! Everytime I went to use the stairs I would look away from the picture. Going to bed at night was a frightful experience for me going past the picture. The eyes in the picture would follow me no matter what direction I went in. Then the dreams about the Mausoleum started. There were several of those dreams that started me on the fear of death. The thoughts of what it would be like dead. I tried to imagine 'Nothingness' but that was WAY beyond my comprehension and would just startle me when I'd get to a certain point in the thought and actually still does to some degree. Later I came to believe in a comforting thought and that thought went like this; I would think about what I was before I was born, I mean I had to have come from somewhere. I had to be something, maybe not a physical being but some sort of consciencness and that I dont remember being in any pain or discomfort. So I figured it must be kinda the same as it would be for me in an after-life.
It wasn't until I was 17 that I was introduced to and accepted the fact that there was infact a GOD. No I'm not preaching here I am merely explaining the thinking process I went through growing up. I'm not a fan of 'Organized' religion. Nor am I a fan of the 'rockstar' type evangelists. Even the Pope himself is merely a human-being to me in my mind, contrary to the image that alot of people have of him. They seem to have a need to worship a 'person' which in my opinion is extremely dangerous. I DO however believe in a 'GOD' of my understanding which continues to grow stronger everyday (though there are days I feel soooo alone, but I would just remember the poem 'Footprints' during those moments and the saying 'This too shall pass' and I seem to feel better).
I've had many arguements with this 'GOD' since being introduced to him or her .... Ofcourse years back I came to a conclusion that 'GOD' probably has no gender at all and is simply an almighty entity or energy, something beyond the comprehension of most of us or probably ALL of us. If 'God' created everything, then we are just a piece of the 'vision' that was intended from the beginning. The ingredients that had to come to the planet we live upon today might have been just plain luck. If you think of some man-made inventions we have today like for instance 'insulin' or things as primitive as 'fire' were all created by accident or by chance. A lot of things get discovered or invented this way. Same goes for creating music, the best songs ever created were by those close to the 'God' of their understanding' (I say this because we are all at different levels at different times of our lives as far as our relationship and understanding of 'God' is concerned. Things are revealed to us when we reach certain plateaus in life and rightfully so I believe because we might not be 'ready' to know certain things at certain times).
I believe ALL known religions on the planet are related. The one thing in common is a 'Higher Power'. I grew up in North America and was only exposed to 'Christianity'. I am not a regular church goer although I have had many visits throughout my life. Remembering also that I do not subscribe to any particular religion because I feel there is good in all religions man made on our earth. I enjoy the atmosphere in an old fashioned church building. The scents like eucalyptus and candles burning, the creeking of the floors as people walk across the wooden floors, the wooden pews and the very attractive ladies dressed up so nicely, the echo throughout the building of people whispering to each other, the organist playing soft Bach'ish impressions in the background, the 'Midnight Mass' on Christmas Eve and so forth. There is a certain comfort being inside a church, almost like an escape from the hustling outer world even within a large city. But by no means do I believe you have to be in church on a regular basis to pray. I have managed to meditate in the words and thoughts of my 'Higher power' throughout the day. NO ...I don't have to stop what I am doing and kneel on the floor and talk to god. My mind can tune in to the thoughts or incoming 'data' at certain times of the day. It's a peaceful flow of knowledge that flows into me from somewhere. It's extremely comforting. The knowlegde that comes to me is always related to things that are going on in my immediate life and some thoughts or answers to questions of my past are revealed to me.
I just had to throw this thought in here aswell since I've turned this 'blog' into one large ramble anyways: [ And NO! Tony Robins is NOT the answer to ALL of your problems! He's some guy on WAY too much prozac! I will NOT subscribe to his 'Unrealistic Positive thinking' methods. I mean, I think positively usually (unless ofcourse I'm feeling ill and my spirit is weak), but I can also see reality. I have seen people in corporations that I have been involved with behave as if they took the Tony Robins course. Totally wacked ideas and unrealistic goals that usually end up making the people that get the so called 'honour' to carry out these visions either go crazy, lose their family life, turn into alcoholics, commit suicide, divorced, .....etc. Tony Robins preys on the weak minded and by doing so has become a multi-millionaire. BEWARE people....use your own minds and don't let idiots like Tony Robins feed you a pile of SHIT! You want to become a postive thinker and be successful?....get in touch with your GOD!........
Moving forward: The day I finally stopped arguing with this 'GOD' and questioning everything that was happening to me was the day I began to be more at ease with myself which therefore gave me the ability to accept myself and others around me better than I had been doing previously. I still need work, I mean... this whole 'life' we are in is just a really long dragged out education. 'LIFE' being the subject 'Major'. ok ....now....... It may not be a coincidance that soon after accepting 'GOD' I was becoming more aware of evil entities around me in many different forms. I have had several conscience dreams where I felt the evil presence grasping at me and paralizing my movements and even trying to take control of my mind. My spirit is strong and I am a true fighter and a survivor. It was a natural reaction for me to meet these forces head-on. I wasn't afraid, infact I was more angry and surprised that the force would even think of trying to sway me over to it's side. I think back now and wonder if it was in fact some sort of test of my faith....... I think the answer is quite obvious now that I think about it.
more re-calling of these thoughts at a later time ..... |
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